Hilarious Hyrule
by Weaselpalooza
Summary: Pointless stupidity I wrote in math class. If you like it I will continue. Well...i finally got around to another chapter...
1. Morons

Weaselpalooza: WOW it's been a while since I wrote anything

Bill the Gnome: You lazy bum

Weaselpalooza: I HAD WRITERS BLOCK

Bill the Gnome: That's what they all say

Weaselpalooza: It's time for a Zelda comedy!

Bill the Gnome: Oh joy

Hilarious Hyrule 

**Chapter 1: Morons**

            It was a sunny day in Hyrule!  The birds were chirping, the flowers were blooming, and the squirrels were…uh…squirreling.  Well it was early morning and our stereotypical hero Link was taking a delightful little stroll through the immense Hyrule Field.   

            You see, a couple of years ago Link here had did that whole "saving the world from the super evil super villain" thing.  He had fought and imprisoned the evil king of evil, Ganondorf, in a magical void thingy called the sacred realm.  Let me tell you, that was one epic battle that was really….uh…epic.  Well to make a short story even shorter, everyone was all happy and celebrating and partying and getting drunk and, in general, having a grand old time.

            ….Oh no…this whole flashback thingy has made me lose my place…um…where was I?  Oh yes, Link was taking a through the field and was all happy and what not.  While walking he was singing a delightful tune he had learned on one of his many quests.

            "Well since my fairy left me.  I found a new place to dwell.  It's down at the end of Deku Street at Hyrule Hotel."

            Oh no that's not right I will have to have a word with him!  "Link!  What are you doing.  I said a delightful tune not some bad Elvis rip off!"

            "Huh?  Oh sorry mysterious old narrarrator dude"

            Ugh! This boy needs to learn some respect!  "When I was your age, boy, youngins had respect for the elderly!"

            "Uhhh sorry dude but my mom told me never to talk to strangers!"

            This boy ain't right!  "WHAT!  You don't remember me!  Its only been what…five years since I helped you on your quest."

            "OH!  Im sorry I didn't recognize you!  You have changed a lot in these past few years Tingle"

            He is dead.  "NO! I am Rauru, remember, the sage of light, the guy who spent a couple thousand years in the Temple of Time waiting for you to get off your lazy but and pick up the Master Sword!  How could you confuse me with that rootin tootin fruitcake who thinks he is a fairy!"

            "Uhhh sorry but I don't remember you"

            What an idiot! "My god!  We just wasted an entire chapter with your idiocy! Now we have to wait until the next one to actually find out what this story is about!"

            "Dude your scaring me"

To be continued…OR IS IT!

Well that was pointless.  I was insanely bored during math class and decided to write something down and I got…this.  Well if ya want me to write more just review and tell me okies.

                                                                                                            -WEASELPALOOZA

                                                                                                            and Bill the Gnome


	2. The Great King of Hippies

Weaselpalooza: Chappie 2! YAY

Bill the Gnome: You moron

Weaselpalooza: You sadden me

Bill the Gnome: You are a silly bum

Weaselpalooza: YAY Chappie 2!

Bill the Gnome: Oh joy

**Chapter 2: The Great King of Hippies**

            Hello once again!  During our last chapter I, Rauru, your humble narrarrator, got in to an argument with that lazy good for nothing kid Link.  Well that pointless squabble took up the majority of the chapter and therefore….oh wait…silly me! I seem to be wasting time again….oops I am truly sorry.  Ok where am I.  AH!  Today we actually start telling the story!

            So Link was frolicking about in the endless fields of Hyrule and having quite a good time.  He continued to frolic and such until he got tired of frolicking and decided to take a rest near the famous Lon Lon Ranch.  As he sat under a conveniently placed tree,  he heard the screams of a damsel in distress….I said he heard the scream of a damsel in distress….MALON WHERE ARE YOU!!!

            "Oh sorry Mr. Rauru, I was umm….sleeping…yeah sleeping"

            Now Malon where were you really!

            "Uhhh I can't tell you"

            Oh no! Don't tell me that you and Weaselpalooza were going at it again!

            "Ok I won't say it"

            Oh my. Well let us forget this conversation ever happened and continue the story.  Well Link heard Malon's scream and, being the heroic kind of hero he was, he decided to go and be heroic.  He ran as fast as he could until he realized he was going the wrong way so he turned around and ran some more.  Eventually he found his way inside the ranch to witness the most horrible site he had ever seen in all of his years of seeing!

            There before the boys a eyes was the man he had imprisoned many years ago in a mystical void thingy.  Ganondorf had somehow returned!  But what was even more disturbing was his appearance.  The king's hair now reached to below his knees and he had grown a horribly long beard.  Upon his face were red tinted sunglasses and his evil looking evil armor was now replaced with a tie die shirt.  His feet were bear and in his hand he held a flower. He loomed above Malon who was trembling in fear at this awesome presence!

            "I am not trembling in fear at this hippie yahoo! I am trembling with laughter"

            Hey don't make fun of him. He may be evil but he does deserve some respect!  Now Ganondorf loomed above Malon and he raised his hand into the air in a really menacing manner.  Just as it began to move down our hero, Link, appeared again and thrust his shoulder into the evildoer knocking him too the ground.  Link drew his blade and pressed it to the dark kings throat.  Link then threatened him with a really cool threat line thingy.

            "Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler"

            NO YOU FREAKEN MORON! Get the line right or I will poke you with a pointed stick!

            "Ok!  Unhand that fair maiden. There you happy"

            Quite!  Now, what Link didn't expect was Ganondorf's reaction, which caught everybody, including me, by surprise.

              "My dog has no nose," Stated the evil king

            Huh? Then how does it smell?

            "Terrible!"

            Oh my god! I am surrounded by idiots!  Say the right lines you pompous poofter!

            "Uh okies, oh no do not harm me Link, for I am no longer evil and I have been elected king of the hippies"

            Ah close enough.  Well yes, our villain had been turned into a hippie by the odd gamma radiation that was inside the sacred realm.  This is the stupidest excuse for a story I have ever been forced to narrarate.  So Link responded in the only way he knew how, by doing one of those anime things where they fall on their face.  Ganondorf rose to his large smelly feet and threw his arms around his former nemesis.  

            "I love you man!" said our favorite hippie

            "Ugh Im not like that" Link said

            And so began a great friendship.  From that day forward Link and Ganny were inseparable. They ate together, they bathed together, and they even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss.  And so ends our delightful little story, goodbye children.

            WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS ISNT THE END!  You mean there will be more! God take me know so I don't have to deal with this idiocy any longer! 

To be continued…OR IS IT!

Well that was pointless.  I finally got around to typing what I had written a few days ago. IM HAPPY so appease me by reviewing.

                                                                                                            -WEASELPALOOZA

                                                                                                            and Bill the Gnome


	3. Ruto and Darunia's Excellent Adventure

Weaselpalooza:  Wow…it's been a while since I wrote anything

Bill the Gnome: Yes…you slacker

Weaselpalooza: I had other things to do…

Bill the Gnome: Like what? Sitting there watching the news?

Weaselpalooza: Of course

Bill the Gnome: Fool

Weaselpalooza: On with the story!

**Chapter 3: Ruto and Darunia's Excellent Adventure**

            Well hello there children.  It is I, Rauru, your humble narrarrator and today I bring you another tale from the land of Hyrule.  When I last left you, Link had befriended his old nemesis Ganondorf, who was now a hippie.  I wonder what adventures await them today.  We join our hero and his new pal as they are combating a great evil…

            "Back beast!  I will not allow you to plague the land any more!"  Link exclaimed as he dove forward with his blade.  His aquatic enemy immediately stepped to the side and wrapped its arms around the hero.  "Ganondorf! Help me out here!"

            "Sorry dude…Im the nonviolent type…you know…passive resistance" The massive longhaired freak proclaimed.  He just sat there playing with the squirrels…and monkeys…and mooses…and aardvarks…and sparrows…and whales…and tyrannosauruses…and..

            "Rauru shut up!  I want to get this story over with…I got a date tonight!"

            Oh…sorry Link…you know how absent-minded I can be. Well Ganondorf was frolicking about in the meadows and Link was busy fighting the horrid fish beast.  He struggled to free himself but the beast grip was more than he could handle. 

            "Ruto let go of me!"  Screamed the Hylian as he fought the Zora princess to the death.  He flipped her over head and she hit the ground with a large thump like noise…well maybe it was more of a boom…no…maybe a smack…well anyway he threw her to the ground pretty hard.  Link grabbed for the nearest object he could find…this happened to be a toothbrush so he threw it away and grabbed a rock.  Unable to lift the massive stone, he gave up and grabbed a small pebble.  With the ferocity of a thousand candy bars he bludgeoned the fish repeatedly until she fell unconscious.

            "Well…that was different, eh Ganon?"  Link said to his tall companion.  But his friend was too busy playing the Ukulele to notice the events that had just transpired.  "Ganon are you listening?  Huh? Speak you fool!"

            "Roar Im a light bulb" The former evil man proclaimed as he plucked his small stringed instrument. "Light bulb, light bulb, oh I am the light bulb. Fear my shining light bulb-ness."

            "Riiiiiight"  Link exclaimed as he scratched his Hylian head.  But…lurking in the background…was…was…

            "What is it Rauru?"

            I don't know…this book…the page is ripped out…I can't see the rest…this book is quite old you know.

            "Wait…if the book is old…and it's about me…then that means…AHHHHHHH! IM OLD!  Im too young and pretty to be old!"

            Oh my…Link…uh…yeah…Im just gonna skip ahead a little here…

            Well Link stood above the massive dragons dead body.  His clothes were ripped to shreds and his chest was exposed…wow…you know how many rabid teenage girls we just made drool?  Well…Link had defeated the dragon known as Carl but a new threat lie ahead.  Ruto had awoken…

            "Linky! I love you!  When are you gonna marry me?"  Exclaimed the brain-damaged salmon.  "I looooooove you sooooo much and were gonna live happy forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever."

            SHUT UP RUTO!  Now…lets keep going with the story.  Well Ruto began to stride toward Link in a girly fashion but then something unexpected happened.  A massive boulder came rolling from Death Mountain and flattened the freakish flounder.

            "Hey man… that's not in the story…why do you gotta kill everyone…why cant we just get along?"

            Ganondorf Dragmire!  How many times have I told you never to read ahead in the story!  

            "Sorry ma'am"

            Good!  Now this massive boulder had just crushed that cod and to everyone's including myself, surprise, it began to move.  Like a massive thing rising out of some other thing, the great Goron leader, Darunia stood there with a blank expression upon his face.  Proudly he proclaimed:

            "My nose is festering with the wrath of a thousand miniature cantaloupes"

            Uh…eww…that's your own problem Darunia…well…Darunia had just killed Ruto and now everyone was bored.  The three friends decided to play some random card game.  

            "Got any four's Link" Said the hippie king

            "Nope…Go fish" Replied the young Hylian as he drew a card from the deck.

            "So whaddya got?" Asked the goofy Goron.

            "A pair of two's and three King's" Link stated.

            "Oh crud…all I got is five ace's" Exclaimed Ganondorf.

            "Well I got nothin…only a dead cat" The others just gave Darunia a blank stare at his mysterious revelation.  Well…these three morons…seem to not be doing anything for a while…so ill just leave them be…until next time…Im Rauru your humble narrarrator.

            "Wait, before you go, last time you hated this story, why are you so happy now?"

            Heh heh heh, my young lad…its called viagra…you'll learn about it someday…

To be continued…OR IS IT!

Well that was pointless.  Sorry for not updating…I just forgot…and Im lazy…well…I got bored…so I wrote something…Review it or I harm you….

                                                                                                            -WEASELPALOOZA

                                                                                                            and Bill the Gnome


	4. Impa: SheMan vs Skeletor

Weaselpalooza:  YAY!

Bill the Gnome: Moron…

Weaselpalooza: I am the moron

Bill the Gnome: Yes you are

Weaselpalooza: YAY!

Bill the Gnome: Fool

Weaselpalooza: On with the story!

**Chapter 4: Impa, She-man vs. Skeletor**

            Well hello there children. It is time once again for a tale from the land of Hyrule. I am Rauru your humble old fart…HEY! I am no old fart…curse you Weaselpalooza!! One day I will be the one writing and you will be forced to narrarate my every wish! MWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!

            Oh my…well lets get on with the story shall we.  Well we last left our three morons…I mean heroes, as they were playing cards and doing absolutely nothing whatsoever.  Well…it seems that is all they do for about fifteen more pages…so Im not gonna bore you with the details…well…unless you want me to…well…Im going to invoke some of my narraratorial powers and create a plot hole that will make up for the missing portions…ok here we go…

            Well Link, Ganondorf, and Darunia had finally reached their destination, the majestic Kakariko Village.  Yes my friends, Kakariko Graveyard a wonderful town in which nothing at all happens.  Each of our friends have their own reason for coming here, and they decide to split up for the day to accomplish their goals.

            "Im gonna go pick up chicks!"  Link shouted, raising his sword into the air.

            "Im gonna get me some…uh…special herbs from the potion shop" Proclaimed our hippie friend Ganondorf.

            "Im gonna go eat me some children" Said Darunia as he shoved his finger up his nose.

            Uh…no…Darunia you are going with Link. We do not need people suing us.  Weaselpalooza is broke enough as it is.

            "WHAT I don't want him with me!  How am I supposed to pick up chicks with him around!"

            Very carefully.  Now the group said their goodbyes and went their separate ways.  Ganondorf went off to get some "special herbs" and Link and Darunia went to find some hotties at the local bar.  They spent quite awhile there and both guys ended up getting pretty drunk.  Link decided to try his luck with a red head in the corner.

            "Hey their…Im drunk…want go back to my place?" He managed to stutter out, but he was met with a slap.  "Owww…" And with that our hero collapsed, never to be seen again.  Well without Link watching over him Darunia's idiocy was free to frolic.  In one massive bounding leap, the gargantuan Goron crashed onto a table and began to dance. 

            "If ya wanna be my lover…" He sang as the table crushed under his weight.  He soon began to hurl bottles around the room.  This would cause his demise because sitting in the corner was a sickly looking man known as Grog.  One of these ballistic bottles just happened to hit the diseased man right in the noggin. 

            "YOU FOOL!!!! HOW DARE YOU ANGER ME!"  The ugly little man spoke as he rose from his chair.  He moved his hand to his faced and in a swift motion tore off his flesh revealing…

            "SKELETOR!"  A voice shouted from the back of the room.  Impa, the servant of Princess Zelda strode forward and came before the vile villain.

            "Yes…it is I Skeletor, OVERLORD OF EVIL!" The evil overlord chanted as thunder clapped in the background.  "Who exactly are you?"

            "You know me Skeletor…but you might not recognize me like this…allow me to show you"  With that Impa drew her mighty sword and held in into the air.  Thunder clapped and lighting struck as she was engulfed in a mighty bright light.  "I HAVE THE POWER!!"  The light faded and a massive muscular transvestite stood in Impa's presence. 

            "SHE-MAN!" The villain proclaimed as he stood back in awe.  He did not expect his arch nemesis to be none other than Impa.  Well, actually he did because she looked exactly the same after transformation, but you get the point. 

            "Your rain of terror shall cease today Skeletor" Impa spoke in her deep masculine voice.  She charged forward and swung her mighty blade at the bony bad guy.  He parried with his staff and let out a shriek like cackle.  They battled for hours, through the night and until the sun rose once more the next morning.  They were equal until Skeletor made on mistake…

            "The end is near She-Man" The ghostly ghoul shrieked as he held his staff in the air, ready for a final charge.  His mighty charge began and it continued until he was about half way across the room.  Then he stopped and took a deep breath before charging once more.   Little did he know that a certain incapacitated Hylian lay unconscious in his way.  With a mighty thud his skeletal foot came into contact with the abdomen of Link. 

            "CURSES!" he screamed as he plummeted into a conveniently placed bottomless pit.  WHAT! A bottomless pit…I think our author is a little lazy.  Now with the villain defeated Link arose with a hangover. 

            "What happened?"  He asked as he helped Darunia to his feet.  At this time Ganondorf also entered the room.  The man-beast Impa stood before them with a menacingly manly scowl.

            "Now young men, have you seen what your drunken rampage caused!"  He…I mean she, I mean it…said.

            "Uh….no…"  The three all muttered at the exact same time.

            "Well…alright…now who is up for a rousing game of Twister!" It asked

            And so they foursome began to play Twister, and they played all night and day for the rest of their mortal lives.  Link, will you please grace us with the moral of today's story?

            "Remember, Only YOU can prevent forest fires"

            Well said my friend, and farewell everyone, this is your humble narrarrator, Rauru, and this has been a completely random collection of words.

To be continued…OR IS IT!

Well that was pointless.  Well im done…happy yet?  Too bad…well…yeah…bye…and stuff…REVIEW OR I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND EAT YOUR SOUL!!!!

                                                                                                            -WEASELPALOOZA

                                                                                                            and Bill the Gnome


End file.
